Tag: emotional

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Kingdom of Ancients

When I close my eyes, there’s a place I go,
Far beyond the dreaming sea,
Where the calm still waters ebb and flow,
And ancient druids call to me.

There’s a great circle of sarsen stone,
Arranged to greet first solstice light,
Where ancient secrets of the earth are known,
And shared with followers draped in white.

In a lake of wonder a lady sleeps,
Clutching a sword upon her breast,
The water hides the tears she weeps,
Waiting for her King to begin his quest.

I open my eyes, and I’m back in my own skin,
I no longer feel the sickly weight of panic,
I’m calmed by my kingdom of ancients within,
And my thoughts are now less manic.

The mystery dreamland calls me now,
As I try to stop my eyes from closing,
I write this verse through furrowed brow,
Time to sleep and stop composing.

Excalibur the Sword by Howard Pyle (1903)
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The Wheel of the Year

Hope shines into the heart of new days,
I’ll heal in nature, clearing both mind and airways,
With eyes closed I can see the illuminated leaves,
In our own sunlit garden, on its magical trees,
With the passing of Beltane, happier days seem ahead,
Far from Queen Winter, the monarch of the dead,
Warmth brings connection, and opportunity to grow,
It’s a time to return to the me that I used to know,
I must shake the bitterness that Yule has put in me,
And start living better, the way that I should be.
There’s a lot of work to do on my body and my mind,
I’ve abused both, so it’s time to heal, repair and unwind,
As I’ve grown older there’s one thing that is clear,
All things can change, except the turning wheel of the year.

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I hear my train coming

I’ve tried every day, but I’m cut to the quick,
Everything angers me making me sick,
With worry, with hurt, or with such sorrow,
For a world with no future, I’ve no hope in tomorrow,
I’ve had enough, and my own time draws near,
Soon it’s time to say goodbye to all I hold dear,
Although I love them, I just can’t stay anymore,
Every day I feel worthless, like I’m cast on the floor,
Of life’s editor suite, who doesn’t think I’m a good fit,
Removing my worth and my life with one simple snip,
All the love I have given, and the little I have taken,
Leaves me here with no ticket, stranded on death’s train station.
With this one-way ticket, there is no coming back,
For my journey is over, and this train is out of track.

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A Thousand Dreams

A thousand memories, and a thousand dreams,
Hurtful ingredients adding sound to my silent screams,
Too long buttoned up, and for too long held down,
Battling imagined usurpers hunting my imaginary crown,
I fight alone through wastelands left barren,
Used and ridiculed, my mind is starved, left to famine,
After those who sort something from me all drank their fill,
I remain here in the dark, fighting apparitions still.

To save my heart and mind, I must be completely withdrawn,
I seek peace as I grow older, used, battered, and travelworn,
I lick my wounds, and I try to heal deep scars left within,
Those unseen by the world, not those left on my skin.
All these wounds that I speak of have come at a cost,
They are not badges of honour, but evidence of those lost,
Too many friends and loved ones have now left this place,
Leaving me unequipped to cope with the world that I face.

You read this now in a time of turmoil and of inner unbalance,
Where I drink poison to assist paying unknown psychological penance,
Filling my need to be numb, to fake happiness, to no longer care,
A thousand emotions, from a thousand thoughts I can’t share,
About things I can’t change, nor do I want to bring back,
From the lifetime of sadness, I’ve carried on my back.

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Panic in the Dark

A Darkness Comes

A second darkness falls with the night,
Slipping behind my eyes from the afternoon shadows,
A thick, greasy film that stinks of fear and sorrow,
It’s a foreign invader, the embodiment of sickness,
Although symptoms are common, at night they feel extreme.
It comes when I’m alone, painting fearful images.
No matter how I try to cope, the torment continues,
It enters my sleep, and pours in thick black nightmares,
Voices tell me I’m dying, whispering sweetly in my ear,
A pain here, a cough there, it has me in its icy grip,
The only thing that combats it is company, distraction, or morning.
Tomorrow it will regroup and return with a vengeance,
For another night of torment, grief, and torture,
My mind can’t rest, the darkness feeds on fear,
I’m not alone, millions of people greet this stranger nightly,
But that doesn’t help me when I’m struggling to sleep,
Where it pokes, prods, and toys with my emotions,
The morning light banishes the beast, forcing it to flee,
Until we battle again tomorrow night, for control of me.

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Path of the anxious mind

Forest walking,
Self talking,
Rain falling,
Birds calling,
Breath taking,
Hands shaking,
Alone feeling,
Strength stealing,
Anxious being,
Death seeing,
Tree crashing,
Claws slashing,
Teeth biting,
Beast fighting,
Blood dripping,
Mind tripping,
I’m dying,
Anxiety lying!

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The Drift

When the season in which you were loved fades,

When your worth is no longer considered,

When your importance to the world has withered,

The flowing water of life no longer cascades.

You will first feel there is a widening rift,

Your new exclusion speaks unseen deception,

Your once loved arms now starved of all affection,

This is what I refer to as the drift.

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At Day’s End

I need a quiet place in my mind where I can be free,
Where there’s room to grow if the anger lets me,
I’m not a monster or an overly complicated man,
I just have my own problems, and I cope the best that I can.

When the night comes dark and cold, and I lay here awake,
I’m invaded by negative thoughts that I cannot shake,
Morning comes, no change of mind, no great revelations,
Just trains of thought leaving their inhospitable stations.

I even try to distract myself with guided meditation,
But my thoughts are so loud all I get is frustration,
With all this negative thinking, I’ll never be content,
Because at day’s end, it’s with my thoughts alone I have spent.

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The Disconnect

There is a new barrier between us, 

I built it to protect myself. 

I use this numb armour, 

So I won’t feel hurt any longer.

The disconnect has happened,

I exist outside of the world, 

Outside of the pain you inflict, 

No more will you have control, 

No more will you hurt me,

The disconnect has happened,

I exist outside of the world.

The Disconnect is an 11 minute ambient-mechanical-heartbeat soundscape that I recorded and released in early 2024. Based on this poem, the soundscape was supposed to represent the separation of the physical and mental human self, into a colder, more emotionless robotic form that could cope better with regular human interactions.
You can check it out on my Bandcamp page.
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The Reflecting Moon

The moon came down to see me, as I sat beside the lake,
I was distraught, struggling to soothe a lifetime of heartache,
She touched my shoulder, smiled at me, and asked me to explain,
Her reflection was so beautiful, that I simply could not refrain,
She caressed my cheek, reassuring me, that she’ll take the pain away,
And keep it deep within her glow, so that I would feel ok,
I shared my secret heartaches, and after hearing what I had to say,
She reassured me once again, that it was normal to feel this way,
‘We’ve all lost special people, whom we loved, and who loved us,
But it’s time to let them go’ she said, ‘in moonlight you can trust’.
She kissed my cheek, bid me farewell, and rose into the sky,
And I found myself alone again, but without the pain inside.
When I’m sad I look up to the sky, and see the moon, the queen of night,
And remember that she has my loved ones, safely stored within her light.