Although in orbit —
I feel the stars are no nearer.
Inner Space
Two moments in one
In the infinite darkness of space,
I drift,
My ship is set to auto pilot,
Silently moving forward,
Zero navigation to find my way home,
Blind in the dark,
There is no sound other than my breathing,
A numbness fills me,
Not quite alive, but unable to die,
I am in stasis.
"I'm not sure if this works, but it felt like I was telling two tales at the same time, each line flows together, and yet, each second line tells separate tale, both combining at the end."
When the Beast Awakens
Covert as a crow at midnight,
My anxiety builds within,
An unwelcome guest with no invite,
A creeping feeling now settled in,
It only takes a carefree thought,
Cast in the wrong direction,
To awaken the monster that I have wrought,
From my mind I have no protection,
Its first blow fells me with a body shot,
And then it then likes to take its time,
Then it twists my stomach into a knot,
And that’s when it’s showtime,
My mind performs its pantomime,
Where I cry, and shake, and can’t think straight,
My thoughts explode working overtime,
Making narratives to feed my frantic state,
I take the drug to calm the thoughts,
That tell me that I’m going to die,
At the hands of this enemy that I have fought,
Since I was just a child,
Eventually the wave breaks upon the beach,
Where I’m washed up broken and tired,
Afraid to close my eyes at night and sleep,
Fearing the monster I have inside.
The Return
The other me has returned so soon,
He visits throughout the year,
In my head he hums a familiar tune,
That’s how I know that he is near,
I feel more distant than my usual self,
As though he casts me out to sea,
Or I’m placed upon a dusty shelf,
While he masquerades as me,
The real me waits until he leaves again,
But who knows how long he’ll be,
He’s rolling storm clouds, and pouring rain,
Don’t engage with the other me,
There’s no acknowledgement while he’s active,
I’m just an unwilling bystander,
Our thoughts are not co-active,
When he’s here, he is commander,
Suddenly he has gone without a warning,
Control returned, his task complete,
I’m left colder than a winters morning,
All alone in the driver’s seat.
Time to Fall
As I have aged, it feels like I am falling,
I’m slower, less enthusiastic, unwilling to connect,
Everything hurts, the body joints and the mind aches,
The younger me was more combative, stronger, fireier,
As if I followed an invisible upward trajectory,
But now, I can feel myself falling uncontrollably,
Piece by piece, day by day, I’m disappearing,
I feel I’m at the point where I’m in my own way,
And constantly in the way of others, my fire isn’t as bright,
It doesn’t burn with the same intensity as it once did,
I’m falling now, perhaps back to earth,
Maybe, after a life with my head in the clouds,
I’m finally coming down to rest, to sleep,
To truly sleep for the first time,
Dream free.
Realisation
Nobody cares about what you’ve done,
Do not hark on prior glories,
Because people only like to hear,
About themselves and their own stories,
None of us are anything special,
But some think that they’re more,
Than rotting flesh beneath the ground,
Or breakless wave upon the shore.
Timeline
The weight of a lifetime, no child can carry,
Born by accident, disliked, held with contempt,
Loved by the two who practiced it,
Hated by the two felt shunned,
The choice was not the childs,
The future not his own,
True colours became prevalent,
When the two who loved became just one,
The old vipers chose their time,
And at the weakest point, they chose to run,
Alone the child went on,
Hardened to all family and their lies,
The child made two, who were used as weapons,
When a new grief took a toll,
The two shunned awaited, to finally play their roll,
Against the child who thought he’d felt new hope,
But instead, he felt the poison of their suiol,
They both ran too, but one cast shadows,
Over the new two who were born,
Betrayed by one, but not by the other,
An old man remains,
A victim of them all.
The Poison
I refer to alcohol as ‘the poison’,
I’ve always had a problem with it,
The problem being, the freedom it gives me,
A freedom from myself, a release,
Yeah, I know,
And I agree, it is poison,
However, on one of ‘those’ evenings,
I’m clear, lucid, and hyper-focussed,
I can count and clearly see every pore of my skin,
I notice details I wouldn’t normally,
I can write and create things I wouldn’t normally be able to,
I can be another me, the internal me, freely,
Sadly at 51, I’m yet to learn how to achieve the same,
Without the poison.
Unable
I can’t communicate well right now,
I feel closed off, irritable, unsocial,
July, the death month, has taken a toll,
The me I was a short while ago seems different,
I can’t explain the change,
I feel numb to the world,
Functioning is difficult, but I’m holding on,
Seeking comfort where I can,
My memory seems to be failing me,
I can’t remember everything,
I feel like my usual workday is suffering,
I don’t feel helpful to my immediate family,
Or as relevant, as I once was,
My numbness removes any self-empathy,
When I close my eyes,
I feel like I’m on my back,
Being lowered down a hole,
As the ground caves in above me,
And I scrape at the sides of my own grave.
A Light Has Gone Out
A light for millions has gone out, leaving us in the dark,
Your music helped countless people to carry on,
To get up each day, inspiring us, helping us to cope,
Father figure to those who needed one,
A comfort to those struggling to find some hope,
A soundtrack to lives, a bond we can’t untie,
Even though your passing has left a hole in the sky,
Rest now in peace, while we all mourn,
Thank you for being you, Ozzy Osbourne.
Dan Verkys 