What have I done with my life, the outcomes don’t equal the effort,
I thought I was doing ok, well, the best I could with the hand dealt,
Everything has always felt so uphill, every choice felt thwarted,
I am unable to support my loved ones with anything more than words,
I talk so much, sometimes it feels like a con, but who am I reassuring,
I try to find hope in a world with no respect for the honest and loyal,
Debt erodes us all, it feels like there’s no escape, time is running out,
Words cannot build futures, words just soothe temporarily,
A band-aid fix, words eventually fall as fruitless as a life of toil,
Why am I wallowing, I agree that I cannot be everything to everyone,
But watching my children suffer, is a bitter pill to swallow,
I wanted to make life easier, but we all lead very different lives,
And we all made those midnight decisions that got us here,
It feels like life is one long shady deal, featuring different characters,
Deals with a workplace, deals with banks, we deal to get by,
Doing our best to survive between paychecks without drowning,
We may be better off than others, but ultimately,
We are all aboard the same slow sinking boat of hopelessness.
I could see it in you at the beginning
It all began in a time of youth and wonder,
A path, aboard a vessel bypassing trauma,
Something to cling to, comfort for the broken,
Swept along by what was expected of me,
But I dedicated myself to our babies,
An unwavering decision that endures,
I could see it in you, even at the beginning,
When it was assumed that I had lost myself to your will,
Pressed into control, this was not love but abuse,
This was dependence, this was the unspoken truth,
I could see it in you, even at the beginning,
Everyone saw a finale, but nobody witnessed the opening acts,
I knew the road ahead would be fatal,
If not for you, then certainly for me,
You always sort the forbidden exit you found,
I could see it in you, even at the beginning,
I tried to keep the darkness away, but didn’t know how,
Unprepared for your spite, your final attempt at control,
You wrote of freedom, but knowingly took it away,
I could see it in you, even at the beginning.
The girl I knew was gone, long before you left.
The Stand
I stand at the edge of a great precipice,
Eyes closed, I can feel a hot breeze on my face,
There is no sound, other than my own breathing,
The drop into darkness feels sheer and jagged,
The plummet, long and painful, and finally fatal,
I can feel the rock edge crumble under my weight,
I am waiting for the final slip,
The hands at my sides are sweaty and white knuckled,
Tense, I’m shaking within, the terror of waiting is intolerable,
The fall has yet to come, it could happen at any moment,
Vomit inducing anticipation, my body is racked with anxiety,
I can leave freely at any time and yet…
I stand here still.
Sometimes I lose myself
Sometimes, I can lose myself for days,
Time passes quickly, like a rapid heartbeat,
When I find myself again, something is always different,
Following some initial confusion, where I don’t know where I’ve been,
I’m unsure just how long I have been the other me,
Which me was I? Was I kind or cruel, happy, sad, or withdrawn,
Sometimes I can lose myself for days,
And now, I no longer know which me is real.
Confusion
My need to overcome reality is so strong lately,
I attempt to address profound childhood fears,
What happens when both creators are gone,
What do I become, how do I decide my path forward,
Nothing seems obvious, everything feels clouded,
What decisions do I need to make, what is important,
I feel lost, amiss, like I’m waiting for an unnamed event,
How can I take stock of things when it comes, my hurt, my pain,
And still administer the wishes of another,
There is no comfort here, only loss.
Head in the Clouds
You can’t exist with your head in the clouds,
For one reason, clouds fade,
They are invisible on a clear day,
Although prominent during a storm,
They quickly make way for blue skies,
You see, clouds are not consistent,
They lack any solid substance,
Constantly unstable and unreliable,
They are an illusion of escape and freedom,
Within themselves, they are empty.
Z is always in last place
It’s complicated to share where I’m at,
Because I don’t really feel like myself,
I feel bisected, slighted, and typically ignored,
I’m fed up, tired of everything going wrong,
I am not invisible, I matter,
Perhaps I’m unwell, does that register?
I am unhappy, old, fat and depressed,
In another fixed race where I’m in last place.
What does it take to get by easily?
I don’t need a win, I just need a place,
Where life doesn’t constantly,
Kick sand in my face.
Venomous Intrusive and Irrational
The night is warm and silent, breezeless trees stand still as corpses,
Intrusive venomous thoughts begin to enter through old wounds,
Convulsions of memory shake themselves into a distorted reality,
The familiar unwanted feeling begins to ripple itself up the spine,
Discomforts’ creeping fingers create a buzz at the back of the neck,
The skin begins to crawl, numb at first, before the unreachable itch,
It feels like a thousand tiny spiders suddenly marching across the skin,
The edges of vision begin to dull and darken into shadowy haze,
Uneasy hands begin to reach for the nearest item of solid comfort,
But it’s too late, we have arrived, the rational mind has left the building,
Now, there is only panic.
Are we ghosts?
Ghosts whisper on the evening wind,
They are the blurred faces of distant times,
Their energy spent, locked in hollow places,
Existing, not knowing that their time has passed,
Sometimes doors are locked that shouldn’t be,
There are times when we move unnoticed,
Moments when we’re not acknowledged,
Have we passed from the memory of others?
How can we be sure that we’re not a ghost?
Lost at Sea
My heart feels lost at sea,
Adrift, I am directionless,
Home feels like a distant memory,
I long for solid ground underfoot,
I’m on an ocean vast and featureless,
I hear the sound of distant ships,
Focus seems impossible,
My head swims with thought,
Waterlogged and weary, IÂ drift on,
I fight fatigue as night falls again,
I see no lights on the horizon,
No welcoming lanterns on the beach,
How long must I fight this current?
The night is cold and dark,
Not a spec of light shows,
Until the dawn of a new day,
Tears and ocean water are as one,
I drift on, keeping my head above water,
Until the day my heart makes landfall.
Dan Verkys 