New Upgrade?

I don’t understand the world as I once did,
I feel that reality is far too distressing now,
This new world churns everybody up,
Even what I’m writing now is null prose,
It’s random, reactive, and it’s ugly,
There was a time when I embraced the future,
When did that turn into fear, and isolation,
Now, I can’t bear people, when did I become incompatible,
I feel like I’m made of old PC parts,
I’m old tech, I feel obsolete, yet I still function fine,
But I no longer meet the minimum requirements,
Surely someone out there still appreciates effort,
I feel unsupported by those who once celebrated me,
This is of course 100% my ego, however it still hurts,
So, how do I let the old me go, how can I upgrade graciously.
Will any part of me still exist after the upgrade,
More importantly, why do I now identify as a component,
Rather than a human being.

Father

It’s a cool quiet Saturday morning, a time to think about life,
Still drowsy from an evening of drinks and a restless sleep,
I sit and contemplate the second piece of my puzzle, my father,
The things he has taught me, and how he helped shape me,
Now elderly and unwell, he’s constantly in my thoughts,
He taught me to be a good man, and to work hard for my family,
To be honest, loyal, trustworthy and kind, although some may scoff,
He taught me to help others, whenever they may need it,
To do what I say, and be where I say I’m going to be,
Actions, not words, are the core foundation of being a man,
He taught me to protect and love my children against all odds,
To be tough, yet playful with them in equal amounts,
To pay my bills, pay my own way, and to not take advantage of others,
He gave me the opportunity and tools to succeed in life,
He ensured technology was available for me to learn and live easier,
He did his best to get me here, while carrying his inner pain silently,
His memories are leaving him now, and he seems fragile,
Not the once strong soldier, mechanic, truck driver, builder he was,
A life should be remembered, not stolen from your mind by sickness,
Sickness took his wife, took his hair, but never his dignity or humour,
He has seen and done so many things, and helped so many people,
And he rarely asked for help along the way, but time is a cruel mistress,
And she creates wraiths from mountains.

Overcharged

I am a heated emotional bundle, full of liquid chemical energy,
Every muscle seems tightened and ready to burst,
All body sinew feels electrified, numb and activated,
My skin feels armoured and ready to fight,
So where should this energy be redirected,
There is no enemy,
There is no pressure,
Except from the one writing,
This energy always goes to same place,
It goes to bed.

Jettisoned

I feel like I have been jettisoned,
Newly arriving on an alien landscape,
Here, beings exist that are not of my make,
They behave in a confusing manner,
Their language is untranslatable,
Their beliefs, the opposite of my own,
It is as though each being is a planet,
All squeezed into one tiny galaxy,
With no room for expansion,
No space for personal expression,
No room for creativity,
There is no place for your opinion here,
There is no silence, it is deafeningly loud,
Life is like closing my eyes while watching a movie,
And it rolls on regardless,
This, is now.

Exit Reality

I’ve created worlds with nothing more than imagination and a PC,

Art based solid worlds that to me exist to me to this very day,

One dark, body imprisoning, mind stealing world enslaving humanity,

And another world full of colour and love that exists after death,

Neither is more beautiful, and yet as tragically heartbreaking,

As the real world.

March 25

I woke up in the dark today, and I felt your absence more than ever,
Today, you should have been here with loved ones, like you wanted to,
Laughing at all of my aches and pains as I too grow older,
I am already past the age that you were never able to reach,
What started with a cough, made you but a hazy memory to some,
A washed-out polaroid, scanned in for future generations to see,
I can’t have you on my wall, it still hurts me to my core to see you,
But I will make them all see you, I will make them remember you,
Your face only appears in tired photos, but I still see you clearly,
When I see my eyes in the mirror, or those of my babies, I see yours,
Nothing will ever break me like it did when your time was up,
I lost part of me that cold July day, and it is irretrievable,
New life is arriving, a beautiful brutal reminder of legacy and heartbreak,
You taught me strength, kindness and gentility, encouraged art and poetry,
You were loving, gentle and funny, and a demon in the defence of your family,
Although life goes on, I remember you still, and I say your name aloud,
I keep you in my impenetrable heart, safe and protected, as you eternally sleep.

Slow Sinking Boat of Hopelessness

What have I done with my life, the outcomes don’t equal the effort,
I thought I was doing ok, well, the best I could with the hand dealt,
Everything has always felt so uphill, every choice felt thwarted,
I am unable to support my loved ones with anything more than words,
I talk so much, sometimes it feels like a con, but who am I reassuring,
I try to find hope in a world with no respect for the honest and loyal,
Debt erodes us all, it feels like there’s no escape, time is running out,
Words cannot build futures, words just soothe temporarily,
A band-aid fix, words eventually fall as fruitless as a life of toil,
Why am I wallowing, I agree that I cannot be everything to everyone,
But watching my children suffer, is a bitter pill to swallow,
I wanted to make life easier, but we all lead very different lives,
And we all made those midnight decisions that got us here,
It feels like life is one long shady deal, featuring different characters,
Deals with a workplace, deals with banks, we deal to get by,
Doing our best to survive between paychecks without drowning,
We may be better off than others, but ultimately,
We are all aboard the same slow sinking boat of hopelessness.

I could see it in you at the beginning

It all began in a time of youth and wonder,

A path, aboard a vessel bypassing trauma,

Something to cling to, comfort for the broken,

Swept along by what was expected of me,

But I dedicated myself to our babies,

An unwavering decision that endures,

I could see it in you, even at the beginning,

When it was assumed that I had lost myself to your will,

Pressed into control, this was not love but abuse,

This was dependence, this was the unspoken truth,

I could see it in you, even at the beginning,

Everyone saw a finale, but nobody witnessed the opening acts,

I knew the road ahead would be fatal,

If not for you, then certainly for me,

You always sort the forbidden exit you found,

I could see it in you, even at the beginning,

I tried to keep the darkness away, but didn’t know how,

Unprepared for your spite, your final attempt at control,

You wrote of freedom, but knowingly took it away,

I could see it in you, even at the beginning.

The girl I knew was gone, long before you left.

The Stand

I stand at the edge of a great precipice,

Eyes closed, I can feel a hot breeze on my face,

There is no sound, other than my own breathing,

The drop into darkness feels sheer and jagged,

The plummet, long and painful, and finally fatal,

I can feel the rock edge crumble under my weight,

I am waiting for the final slip,

The hands at my sides are sweaty and white knuckled,

Tense, I’m shaking within, the terror of waiting is intolerable,

The fall has yet to come, it could happen at any moment,

Vomit inducing anticipation, my body is racked with anxiety,

I can leave freely at any time and yet…

I stand here still.

Sometimes I lose myself

Sometimes, I can lose myself for days,

Time passes quickly, like a rapid heartbeat,

When I find myself again, something is always different,

Following some initial confusion, where I don’t know where I’ve been,

I’m unsure just how long I have been the other me,

Which me was I? Was I kind or cruel, happy, sad, or withdrawn,

Sometimes I can lose myself for days,

And now, I no longer know which me is real.