Since I retired from actively working on other people’s projects a few months back, and have given myself some time to recover, by enjoying a break from visual creation, I can feel myself slowly starting to reawaken, as though the light that had been dulled is being rekindled. Most stress has been removed since the change. I do not work to a timeline, and I do not push myself beyond the enjoyment of creating my own work for my own purposes.
Over the years, I’ve had the pleasure of working with some very talented people, I’m sure some of them are probably pissed with my new found retirement/isolation and outlook, but hey, I gave bucket loads while I contributed over 30 years, there comes a time when you need to do your own thing, so I am, I’m now doing Dan things whenever fuck Dan feels like it, and it is good.
The combination of maintaining this website, while limiting social media interaction was just what I needed. Injecting energy into new hobbies and breaking away from art altogether has also been extremely helpful. You kind of burn out after a while and become jaded with everything you create; it is no longer fun.
I forgot that creating artwork was for my benefit, a form of therapy, which I will now continue uninterrupted.
A sadness fell upon me this evening, A heavy wave of confusing memories, I was laughing at a comedy with my wife, Only 10 minutes before it hit me, As I sat alone, I felt such a feeling of loss, Where did it come from? A momentary look at a photo of an Atari 2600 console, Someone was selling it online, It was dust-covered, scratched, and time-beaten, The sales caption brought a tear to my eye, It read, “old, but still in working order”, My sadness was about aging and about my own relevance, It hit me like a body shot to the liver with a lead pipe, Because I too feel a little dusty, antique, and I have my scars, For I’ve also been beaten by life quite a few times, But I am still here, and although I am not perfect, I am still in working order.
A journal blog post incoming, an attempt to defrag my brain, I’ll do my best to contain my rambling. The current me has been overthinking, a lot, over obsessing about all the usual nonsense even though life has been relatively uneventful, I’ve taken active measures to ensure I feel ok as much as possible, so most stress is probably of my own design.
Look, on the whole things are ok, but I seem to worry a lot more lately, often without any reason for it, I have concerns for my health (physical and mental), I worry about my wife, my family, and the future. Death has been an active thought passenger and every ache or pain felt sets my mind off, I have been seeking alternatives to the real world that don’t include chemical or liquid substances. I’m escaping reality where I can and this has really helped. For a few years I have actively avoided the media and have recently limited my social media exposure, which is having a positive effect. The usual trappings of sadness still creep in, feeling old, ugly, fat, useless and out of touch with the world, these are things I can’t hide from, but I will give it a bloody good try.
Escaping the outside world seems to be all I want to do, the current me feels lost in dystopian sci-fi again, particularly the books of William Gibson, his Sprawl Trilogy audiobooks have been on repeat because I’m too lazy to read lately, and the video games I lose myself in for hours have also helped suspend belief that the real world exists. I feel a hypocritical complaining about the modern world, of the advances of AI and how it has killed the arts, yet I hide neck deep in sci-fi like I’m a small child who has fallen into a ball pit, I don’t get me at all.
With the approach of summer, I’ve noticed I’ve been drinking more and that I need to knock it off for a while, but it is an indicator that my mind isn’t where I need it to be. My social anxiety is overclocking right now too, any time I’m forced visit the city for work an event, I am physically sick before stepping out the door, followed by a day of depression and paint peeling anxiety levels, this weighs on me until I escape back to our home in the country. A contributing factor I see, as the year ends, is that the world feels like it’s in turmoil, it feels too fast, spiralling, people in public places being aggressive, openly violent, unhinged, many peaking on chemicals, all glued to phones, everyone feels desperate, money is tight everywhere, it costs so much just to get by, it is all rushing and many just aren’t coping, there doesn’t appear to be any relief in sight. It feels like the worse parts of Christmas Eve shopping madness but every single day, pure speeding chaos.
I guess I see why the current me is lost in Gibson’s Neuromancer, the dystopia feels real, it fits nicely into our current timeline. People all seem plastic, fake, all outraged about things that probably don’t directly affect them, nobody seems genuine, it makes me feel old and confused, little makes sense anymore, it is a depressing cocktail. Well, I can’t deal with it so I’m running from reality before I (over)think too much about it.
A friend of mine has been experiencing the very same emotions, his dystopic drug of choice is the film Blade Runner from 1982, among other things. He has recently invested in VR and has found some success finding peace off world. Perhaps the advertisement from Blade runner is true, “A new life awaits you in the Off-world colonies. A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!”
We’re both artists, well, him more so than me, but we’ve both been struggling to comprehend the current world, its people, and how we fit into it. In these stressful times most believe they’re a superstar, glued to their devices, posting, posing, obsessed with athleticism, money, success, appearing as avatars of themselves. With Blade Runner in mind, I can’t help but think we’re going to need a Voight-Kampff machine to locate anyone with a shred of empathy left out there. Maybe my recent thoughts that the film The Matrix being our currently reality has some truth to it.
I’ve decided to take the VR colony ship off world too and join my mate. Like Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show, we’ll be two old weirdos in VR goggles complaining about how annoying modern world is, while hypocritically relaxing in a digital one that has been made a reality by it. Time to wake up Neo wherever you are and save the real world so we can all come home.
I have always felt like I’m running or chasing, Trying to dodge change and abandonment, Prolonging others sadness as a comfort giver, Have I ever had a true home, a place where I belong? Why have I held on so tight from early childhood, What did I unconsciously know? Did I know everyone would leave me one day, Break my heart, my spirit, my faith in others, Did I turn all that death into something, Not positive, just tolerable, I can’t fucking breathe, the air of suffering is so thick, Why have I been the slave of torment and loss, The cost of my living feels so extreme, The strength of my runaway heart has faded, My mind can’t be taken back to a place where I belong, I have no point zero, nobody who understands, There is only hurt, all I truly have is suffering, Perhaps this preoccupation is of my own creation, My suffering is self-induced, Either way, I can’t take it anymore.
In the wake of last night, I’m reflecting on life, I’m questioning things, questioning myself, I’m the type that needs to have stability, I can’t cope with change very well, Routines work for my hyper-anxious mind, But as of late, life feels anything but stable, My routines and self-control feel off kilter, Doubt has crept in to keep my anxiety company, I can’t seem to find and keep a calm place, I’m unsure of everything, unclear of my purpose, I mean, what am I really doing here? Except for passing the time being checked out, Trying to escape reality, because I fear it, There’s a world outside my country window, But it has become terrifying to be part of, I don’t like what going out into it does to me, Has life’s difficulty level just increased? Aging has been hard for my brain to process, I’ve always felt pretty sure of myself, my place, But now, I’m constantly confused, not calm, I feel uncomfortable, which makes me fabricate, I’m lying to myself so that I can feel comfort, Everything will be alright, you’re doing great, Lies, fabrications, false mantra, call it what you may, They aren’t working anymore, Things aren’t alright, and I’m not doing fine, I feel lost.
What do I fear? Death, Or what it brings, I fear the finality, Of the loss, Of the momentary sadness, But most of all, I fear that what I have shared, With the meager gifts I was given, Were not enough to remember me fondly.
One drink to sadness, One drink for those you’ve lost, One drink to what life has costs, One drink to say goodbye, One drink as you try to survive, One drink for regret, One drink to forget, One drink is never enough.
Too many nights, my hands cover my eyes, I’m not ashamed to cry as I think of you, Saying goodbye to you is the hardest, What do I say to the one who gave me everything, Sleep now, sleep and be at peace, I can’t chase these monsters away, Like you once did for me, I don’t have that power, I love you, please suffer no more, You’re so tired, please rest, I’ll join you when my time comes, And we will hold each other again, The way we once did.
I feel a certain sense of disconnection, It is a comfort, numb and reassuring, I don’t want to be a part of your world, I’m not interested in any of your plans, I have already given everything I want to, There is not much left inside for myself, So now, a farewell as I disconnect from you, As I enter a final future, one without pain, The end days, where I remain unsolicited, Unaffected by comment, unhindered thoughts, My time will be my own, so I push you all away, Your mental thefts have not gone unnoticed.
There are storms sometimes at night, Deep inside of me where nobody sees, When my mind races into fight or flight, And panic brings me to my knees,
I can’t live the same way anymore, Because it hurts too much to say goodbye, Constant nightmares shake me to the core, Until I can’t take the pain inside,
Please keep a light on for me, On stormy nights when my mind does roam, Keep a light on for me please my love, So that I can find my way back home.
Dan Verkys 