I don’t seem to be able to connect lately, I feel like I’m unable to communicate effectively, I’m irritating myself every time I open my mouth, This makes me feel tired, a term I’m sick of repeating, People exhaust me, even when seen in moderation, I don’t have the energy for it all right now, My words come out awkwardly, and I feel like an alien, An outcast on an island of beige repetitive tedium, It feels like there’s a heavy weight on me, I have the kind of exhaustion that avoids sleep, I wake up tired, I struggle through the day, then at night, When I lie down, I’m wide awake for hours, It’s also the time of year for that annual socialising dread, Everyone looks so happy and full of excitement, Either that or they’re about to win an Oscar for best actor, If you’re like me, hold your head up; it doesn’t get much easier. Don’t pretend, just let it happen, let it all flow past you, Conserve your energy, because you’re going to need it, Merry Christmas, the war with the mind is never over.
I recently used AI to animate old family photos, I was unprepared for how it would affect me, Old still photographs that I had looked at countless times, Came to life, they breathed, they lived again, And then, like fireflies in the morning light, Their lives faded out once more, It evoked such a powerful sensory response, For six seconds, ghosts came to life on my screen, For six seconds, I felt their embrace again, And for six seconds, my heart wanted to believe the lie.
There have been liminal spaces in my life, Where I found myself transforming internally, Becoming someone or something else, Shedding a virtual armoured exoskeleton, Immediately afterwards, I’m left vulnerable, This is a time for caution and self-protection, Because whatever sneaks beneath my guard, Becomes a part of me, trapped beneath my new shell, Embedded until my next transformation.
I awoke at 4:00am with a worried mind, Thinking about the future churns my guts, I’m concerned I won’t have the strength I need, To deal with the level of change required, With age I have less will, I need less mental ‘weight’, Navigating some days now is a real challenge, I simply don’t have the energy or drive for much, I feel constantly fatigued and yet I cannot sleep, I’m running out of time, resources and loved ones, Work seems over demanding with load increasing, My mind keeps shutting down when I need it, Like it has a constantly tripping surge protector, But I don’t know how much of this is real, And how much is my mind fabricating woe, But it’s constantly on my mind, and it is exhausting, Who knows if I will ever truly rest.
Today I feel completely overwhelmed, Everything seems to have just come to a stop, Like my brain has been writing data beyond its allocation, I can’t think straight, I can’t process, my memory is lagging, I’m trying to provide myself comfort in any way I can, There were too many questions at once today, too many requests, Like I had too many tabs open and loading on a slow connection, The sound was so loud, overlapping sounds, laughter, voices, All competing for volume, it was just too much, I had to leave the city, I had to run, I had to retreat, I needed calm, to find a little solace to get some work done, I must do something to slow down this overclocked brain, I’m back home in the country now and I have logged back in, There are no sounds except birds and a distant garbage truck, I may have to close my eyes for a moment and reboot, I’m optimising my settings, trying to save them so I can focus, But I fear my storage is also at capacity.
She’s almost invisible now, as if spun from finest gossamer, Haunting, somehow trapped within these walls, Like an apparition lost in her own cold distance, I see a sadness in her eyes that I cannot repair, And feel a burgeoning sense of dread, fed by her despair.
Since I retired from actively working on other people’s projects a few months back, and have given myself some time to recover, by enjoying a break from visual creation, I can feel myself slowly starting to reawaken, as though the light that had been dulled is being rekindled. Most stress has been removed since the change. I do not work to a timeline, and I do not push myself beyond the enjoyment of creating my own work for my own purposes.
Over the years, I’ve had the pleasure of working with some very talented people, I’m sure some of them are probably pissed with my new found retirement/isolation and outlook, but hey, I gave bucket loads while I contributed over 30 years, there comes a time when you need to do your own thing, so I am, I’m now doing Dan things whenever fuck Dan feels like it, and it is good.
The combination of maintaining this website, while limiting social media interaction was just what I needed. Injecting energy into new hobbies and breaking away from art altogether has also been extremely helpful. You kind of burn out after a while and become jaded with everything you create; it is no longer fun.
I forgot that creating artwork was for my benefit, a form of therapy, which I will now continue uninterrupted.
A sadness fell upon me this evening, A heavy wave of confusing memories, I was laughing at a comedy with my wife, Only 10 minutes before it hit me, As I sat alone, I felt such a feeling of loss, Where did it come from? A momentary look at a photo of an Atari 2600 console, Someone was selling it online, It was dust-covered, scratched, and time-beaten, The sales caption brought a tear to my eye, It read, “old, but still in working order”, My sadness was about aging and about my own relevance, It hit me like a body shot to the liver with a lead pipe, Because I too feel a little dusty, antique, and I have my scars, For I’ve also been beaten by life quite a few times, But I am still here, and although I am not perfect, I am still in working order.
A journal blog post incoming, an attempt to defrag my brain, I’ll do my best to contain my rambling. The current me has been overthinking, a lot, over obsessing about all the usual nonsense even though life has been relatively uneventful, I’ve taken active measures to ensure I feel ok as much as possible, so most stress is probably of my own design.
Look, on the whole things are ok, but I seem to worry a lot more lately, often without any reason for it, I have concerns for my health (physical and mental), I worry about my wife, my family, and the future. Death has been an active thought passenger and every ache or pain felt sets my mind off, I have been seeking alternatives to the real world that don’t include chemical or liquid substances. I’m escaping reality where I can and this has really helped. For a few years I have actively avoided the media and have recently limited my social media exposure, which is having a positive effect. The usual trappings of sadness still creep in, feeling old, ugly, fat, useless and out of touch with the world, these are things I can’t hide from, but I will give it a bloody good try.
Escaping the outside world seems to be all I want to do, the current me feels lost in dystopian sci-fi again, particularly the books of William Gibson, his Sprawl Trilogy audiobooks have been on repeat because I’m too lazy to read lately, and the video games I lose myself in for hours have also helped suspend belief that the real world exists. I feel a hypocritical complaining about the modern world, of the advances of AI and how it has killed the arts, yet I hide neck deep in sci-fi like I’m a small child who has fallen into a ball pit, I don’t get me at all.
With the approach of summer, I’ve noticed I’ve been drinking more and that I need to knock it off for a while, but it is an indicator that my mind isn’t where I need it to be. My social anxiety is overclocking right now too, any time I’m forced visit the city for work an event, I am physically sick before stepping out the door, followed by a day of depression and paint peeling anxiety levels, this weighs on me until I escape back to our home in the country. A contributing factor I see, as the year ends, is that the world feels like it’s in turmoil, it feels too fast, spiralling, people in public places being aggressive, openly violent, unhinged, many peaking on chemicals, all glued to phones, everyone feels desperate, money is tight everywhere, it costs so much just to get by, it is all rushing and many just aren’t coping, there doesn’t appear to be any relief in sight. It feels like the worse parts of Christmas Eve shopping madness but every single day, pure speeding chaos.
I guess I see why the current me is lost in Gibson’s Neuromancer, the dystopia feels real, it fits nicely into our current timeline. People all seem plastic, fake, all outraged about things that probably don’t directly affect them, nobody seems genuine, it makes me feel old and confused, little makes sense anymore, it is a depressing cocktail. Well, I can’t deal with it so I’m running from reality before I (over)think too much about it.
A friend of mine has been experiencing the very same emotions, his dystopic drug of choice is the film Blade Runner from 1982, among other things. He has recently invested in VR and has found some success finding peace off world. Perhaps the advertisement from Blade runner is true, “A new life awaits you in the Off-world colonies. A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!”
We’re both artists, well, him more so than me, but we’ve both been struggling to comprehend the current world, its people, and how we fit into it. In these stressful times most believe they’re a superstar, glued to their devices, posting, posing, obsessed with athleticism, money, success, appearing as avatars of themselves. With Blade Runner in mind, I can’t help but think we’re going to need a Voight-Kampff machine to locate anyone with a shred of empathy left out there. Maybe my recent thoughts that the film The Matrix being our currently reality has some truth to it.
I’ve decided to take the VR colony ship off world too and join my mate. Like Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show, we’ll be two old weirdos in VR goggles complaining about how annoying modern world is, while hypocritically relaxing in a digital one that has been made a reality by it. Time to wake up Neo wherever you are and save the real world so we can all come home.
I have always felt like I’m running or chasing, Trying to dodge change and abandonment, Prolonging others sadness as a comfort giver, Have I ever had a true home, a place where I belong? Why have I held on so tight from early childhood, What did I unconsciously know? Did I know everyone would leave me one day, Break my heart, my spirit, my faith in others, Did I turn all that death into something, Not positive, just tolerable, I can’t fucking breathe, the air of suffering is so thick, Why have I been the slave of torment and loss, The cost of my living feels so extreme, The strength of my runaway heart has faded, My mind can’t be taken back to a place where I belong, I have no point zero, nobody who understands, There is only hurt, all I truly have is suffering, Perhaps this preoccupation is of my own creation, My suffering is self-induced, Either way, I can’t take it anymore.
Dan Verkys 