In the wake of last night, I’m reflecting on life,
I’m questioning things, questioning myself,
I’m the type that needs to have stability,
I can’t cope with change very well,
Routines work for my hyper-anxious mind,
But as of late, life feels anything but stable,
My routines and self-control feel off kilter,
Doubt has crept in to keep my anxiety company,
I can’t seem to find and keep a calm place,
I’m unsure of everything, unclear of my purpose,
I mean, what am I really doing here?
Except for passing the time being checked out,
Trying to escape reality, because I fear it,
There’s a world outside my country window,
But it has become terrifying to be part of,
I don’t like what going out into it does to me,
Has life’s difficulty level just increased?
Aging has been hard for my brain to process,
I’ve always felt pretty sure of myself, my place,
But now, I’m constantly confused, not calm,
I feel uncomfortable, which makes me fabricate,
I’m lying to myself so that I can feel comfort,
Everything will be alright, you’re doing great,
Lies, fabrications, false mantra, call it what you may,
They aren’t working anymore,
Things aren’t alright, and I’m not doing fine,
I feel lost.
At the end
What do I fear?
Death,
Or what it brings,
I fear the finality,
Of the loss,
Of the momentary sadness,
But most of all,
I fear that what I have shared,
With the meager gifts I was given,
Were not enough to remember me fondly.
Eight drink limit
One drink to sadness,
One drink for those you’ve lost,
One drink to what life has costs,
One drink to say goodbye,
One drink as you try to survive,
One drink for regret,
One drink to forget,
One drink is never enough.
Farewell
Too many nights, my hands cover my eyes,
I’m not ashamed to cry as I think of you,
Saying goodbye to you is the hardest,
What do I say to the one who gave me everything,
Sleep now, sleep and be at peace,
I can’t chase these monsters away,
Like you once did for me,
I don’t have that power,
I love you, please suffer no more,
You’re so tired, please rest,
I’ll join you when my time comes,
And we will hold each other again,
The way we once did.
I Disconnect from you
I feel a certain sense of disconnection,
It is a comfort, numb and reassuring,
I don’t want to be a part of your world,
I’m not interested in any of your plans,
I have already given everything I want to,
There is not much left inside for myself,
So now, a farewell as I disconnect from you,
As I enter a final future, one without pain,
The end days, where I remain unsolicited,
Unaffected by comment, unhindered thoughts,
My time will be my own, so I push you all away,
Your mental thefts have not gone unnoticed.
Keep a light on for me
There are storms sometimes at night,
Deep inside of me where nobody sees,
When my mind races into fight or flight,
And panic brings me to my knees,
I can’t live the same way anymore,
Because it hurts too much to say goodbye,
Constant nightmares shake me to the core,
Until I can’t take the pain inside,
Please keep a light on for me,
On stormy nights when my mind does roam,
Keep a light on for me please my love,
So that I can find my way back home.
Unable to see the light
With blind eyes closed, relying on weaker senses,
Stumbling forever onwards, destination unclear,
There’s no light in a reality fueled by fear,
More machine than man now, that’s humanity today,
Unlovable, unmemorable, unloyal creatures,
Over opinionated, self-indulged and dim featured,
Artificial is his intelligence now,
The dissident speaks without a mandible,
As simulation paints a future brightly tangible,
Changes have been subtle and constant,
Corporations are the necks that turn the head,
Governments of a people, corrupt and morally dead,
The dissidents no longer speak their mind,
And the world seems unwilling to see the light,
As constant technological dopamine numbs any fight.
When the Beast Awakens
Covert as a crow at midnight,
My anxiety builds within,
An unwelcome guest with no invite,
A creeping feeling now settled in,
It only takes a carefree thought,
Cast in the wrong direction,
To awaken the monster that I have wrought,
From my mind I have no protection,
Its first blow fells me with a body shot,
And then it then likes to take its time,
Then it twists my stomach into a knot,
And that’s when it’s showtime,
My mind performs its pantomime,
Where I cry, and shake, and can’t think straight,
My thoughts explode working overtime,
Making narratives to feed my frantic state,
I take the drug to calm the thoughts,
That tell me that I’m going to die,
At the hands of this enemy that I have fought,
Since I was just a child,
Eventually the wave breaks upon the beach,
Where I’m washed up broken and tired,
Afraid to close my eyes at night and sleep,
Fearing the monster I have inside.
The Return
The other me has returned so soon,
He visits throughout the year,
In my head he hums a familiar tune,
That’s how I know that he is near,
I feel more distant than my usual self,
As though he casts me out to sea,
Or I’m placed upon a dusty shelf,
While he masquerades as me,
The real me waits until he leaves again,
But who knows how long he’ll be,
He’s rolling storm clouds, and pouring rain,
Don’t engage with the other me,
There’s no acknowledgement while he’s active,
I’m just an unwilling bystander,
Our thoughts are not co-active,
When he’s here, he is commander,
Suddenly he has gone without a warning,
Control returned, his task complete,
I’m left colder than a winters morning,
All alone in the driver’s seat.
Time to Fall
As I have aged, it feels like I am falling,
I’m slower, less enthusiastic, unwilling to connect,
Everything hurts, the body joints and the mind aches,
The younger me was more combative, stronger, fireier,
As if I followed an invisible upward trajectory,
But now, I can feel myself falling uncontrollably,
Piece by piece, day by day, I’m disappearing,
I feel I’m at the point where I’m in my own way,
And constantly in the way of others, my fire isn’t as bright,
It doesn’t burn with the same intensity as it once did,
I’m falling now, perhaps back to earth,
Maybe, after a life with my head in the clouds,
I’m finally coming down to rest, to sleep,
To truly sleep for the first time,
Dream free.
Dan Verkys 