It’s a just a day like any other for most,
But I feel spent, hollowed out, drained,
Sitting on my couch, the day seems insignificant now,
As Siouxsie sings of Cities in Dust on my turntable,
I notice how a day in the city weighs heavy on me,
The work itself isn’t (always) the problem,
It’s the emotional energy of getting and being there,
It’s taxing, spicy anxiety and doom coping, sap everything,
My brain is constantly in self-defence mode,
By afternoon, when I again breath country air, I’m done,
I trip to and fro across a fine line between tears and sleep,
City and people in large amounts are a big stress that I struggle with,
When did I become this whiny old bitch,
I have good job, and a great team of colleagues,
But I feel eaten up and spat out, and I’m tired of it all,
But there shall be no rest,
Because,
It’s a just a day like any other.
Lost in a Shadow
The telemetry of happiness is not set in stone,
While the day to day shadows ebb and flow,
They constrict and entwine, then all thoughts tangle,
Inside our shadow, we follow any negative angle,
Life passes us by, forever creeping on,
Before you know it you’re wondering where life has gone,
Time is meaningless here, as it spirals into black,
Lost too long in my shadow, makes it hard to get back,
For the comfort of sadness, provides powerful longing,
When lost in a shadow, it’s only ourselves we are wronging.
Day 153
Today I try to seek calm in turbulence,
Find respite during confusion,
Sleep, because the night failed me,
And peace, despite its detractors.
Below the Surface
You put on a daily mask, you nod and smile, and pretend,
Acting like you’re not concurrently drowning in quicksand,
Struggling as it reaches your ears and all sound ceases,
The world, everyone, and everything you know feels silenced,
Your eyes display a panic that your screams cannot express,
Not long after, there is total darkness as your face is covered,
Your throat is choked with filth, and you suffocate silently,
A crushing weight and pressure lay on every part of you,
You can no longer struggle, all you can do is lay motionless,
Enveloped in black emptiness, a nothingness cold and numb,
There’s no comfort, for even in this state you’re pulled downward,
This is managed daily, I’d like to introduce you to depression.
Leafless Trees of Autumn
Autumn arrived this morning, cold and desolate,
Frost blankets the garden, as a blue sunny sky laughs above,
I feel my own depression today, it’s heavy, like a weight,
I try to connect without success, I ache in every joint,
Verbal communication seems difficult, I feel gagged,
It’s a work celebration day today, it took months of effort,
And I couldn’t be more emotionless towards it all,
I’m a relic of past days there, my presence feels like irritancy,
I could be more sycophantic, be the yes man they like,
But I no longer have the energy, the place is a necessary cell,
I feel cold inside, like the leafless trees of Autumn,
Why can’t I shake this melancholy, life has no substance,
I reminisced about childhood with a friend yesterday,
And could only remember days of sunshine and simplicity,
Backyard cricket, BBQ, bikes, pets and outside fun,
I’m sure reality was very different, but now, all I feel is empty,
Life today is the numb cycle of existing, it is unrewarding,
Work, pay bills, still be broke, have bad sleep, repeat,
I feel blindfolded, grasping at the warmth of life past,
There’s beauty outside my window, but today it feels frozen,
And the past looks warm through my rose coloured glasses.
Human Bitrate Fluctuation
I close my eyes and try to concentrate on the black stillness,
I fruitlessly attempt to block all incoming sound and vision,
I enforce meditation, I breath, I count, but cannot focus,
I try to slow the onslaught of rapid fire thoughts,
But there is too much input lately, sapping my energy,
I need to enable some kind of essential power only mode within,
I must act, as the data input rate greatly exceeds my capacity,
There is too much, it brawls to access an already full storage space,
Any rejected data haemorrhages, its packets pour from me now,
Flowing out of virtual gaping stab wounds in my system,
Through my clutching hands, and into an ocean of junk bits,
I try to parse it all, but I am no longer able to, I require quiet,
I seek retreat, recovery time, but the information barrage pursues me,
I try to focus, I continue to breathe, to count, and it begins to slow,
But not fast enough, and I watch as my emotions spiral erratically,
One moment I am activated, and the next, I cannot keep my eyes open,
And as stress digs its concrete intrenchment, my emotions flare,
First, I fight tears, followed by laughter, there is no middle ground,
Confusion, irritability, sadness, then elation, I’m not in control here,
I’m sitting in the back seat of an unmanned vehicle as it accelerates,
I must retreat, I must recuperate, why is this so hard lately,
I yearn for the comfort that isolation brings to my weary mind,
Peace is not fully achieved with sleep, and barely eased by vacation,
So how is this going to,
End.
Evolving Mr Hyde
Today I forced myself to focus on self-repair,
I’ve recently felt tethered, floating at the ocean edge,
Drifting out further and further, while fraying my lifeline,
I arranged to meet old friends, who inspired me to continue,
To work harder at improving my personal wellbeing,
To stop feeding this widening void I have growing within me,
I have felt quite alone dealing with my internal pressures,
I’ve been angry, feeling that I’m the only one who is suffering,
So, I’ve been poisoning myself to block out all thought and light,
The poison only works for a moment, but it creates more problems,
Like Dr Jekyll, I have been struggling with my own Mr Hyde for years,
My emotions lately are irregular and extreme, ashamed, I hide them,
Stress, tears, anger, self-hate, solitude, alcoholism, self-castigation,
I don’t feel like I’m in control, I have poor memory, I dislike contact,
I don’t want to connect anymore, I feel incapable of doing so,
Hearing today that I’m not alone in experiencing changes, has helped,
I was unsure where this raft I ‘m on was going to take me if released,
I was leaving me behind, one way the other, I was going to drown,
After this week, I am determined to focus more on healthier routines,
To drop the vices that have plagued me, and hopefully improve,
I need to step off the tethered raft, and back onto solid ground,
I must evolve Mr Hyde from self punishing monster, into regular man,
I doubt I still have enough left in the tank to make great changes,
But at this point, any change for good, is better than not trying at all.
Mindstorm
The clouds are clearing from my mind this morning,
I have been lost, in what felt like a sandstorm,
Walking blindly, poorly attempting to protect myself,
Rather than find shelter, I have pressed forward,
Sadly to my own detriment, but that storm is passing,
My mind is a little clearer, and I can see with some clarity,
So now, for the sake of my mind, I am taking shelter,
It took a week for the turbulent seas of my mind to calm,
Unfortunately, that stillness arrives in time for another storm,
Work and personal related stress, anxiety, self-worth,
The perfect storm that we can all easily get lost in,
Getting to the other side without damage, is a challenge,
I don’t like the night, disturbed is an apt word for my dreamtime,
With each new morning, I can breathe, I can take stock,
And I can continue this journey I am on.
Masks and Change
Boundaries must be engaged and maintained,
A healthy human distance must be respected,
For, when lines are crossed, all can become blurred,
Where once a hive of focus and creativity existed,
A race began, where disrespect and greed took precedence,
What was once pure, became tainted and distorted,
Irrevocably transformed into something else,
We all wear masks to protect ourselves, to survive,
At work, in love, at play, and even when we are alone,
But it is vital that our original face is seen, for forgiveness,
The real us must be exposed, with all it’s scars and fragility,
When we take off that final mask each night.
Altered State
I’m not what I once was,
I have been altered,
Moulded and repurposed,
My preparedness urge is high,
My mind is fixed on avoidance,
My car is equipped to bug out,
I have two EDC bags that I travel with,
Their purpose depends on the day,
But I never feel ready enough,
Everything hurts lately,
I’m frustrated and stressed easily,
I no longer feel I can retain enough data,
I no longer care for people,
Complete avoidance works for me,
I feel constantly fatigued,
Yet, I cannot sleep at night,
Stress, and anxiety rack my brain,
I always seem to feel on edge,
I feel defensive and negative,
My spoken words exit as a jumble,
I drop things all the time,
I’m a different me now,
I’m not what I once was,
I have been altered.
Dan Verkys 