What have I done with my life, the outcomes don’t equal the effort,
I thought I was doing ok, well, the best I could with the hand dealt,
Everything has always felt so uphill, every choice felt thwarted,
I am unable to support my loved ones with anything more than words,
I talk so much, sometimes it feels like a con, but who am I reassuring,
I try to find hope in a world with no respect for the honest and loyal,
Debt erodes us all, it feels like there’s no escape, time is running out,
Words cannot build futures, words just soothe temporarily,
A band-aid fix, words eventually fall as fruitless as a life of toil,
Why am I wallowing, I agree that I cannot be everything to everyone,
But watching my children suffer, is a bitter pill to swallow,
I wanted to make life easier, but we all lead very different lives,
And we all made those midnight decisions that got us here,
It feels like life is one long shady deal, featuring different characters,
Deals with a workplace, deals with banks, we deal to get by,
Doing our best to survive between paychecks without drowning,
We may be better off than others, but ultimately,
We are all aboard the same slow sinking boat of hopelessness.
Never Look Back
I stare into the darkness beyond the streetlight,
Something is there, following me, just out of sight,
I tried ignoring it while walking, I increased my pace,
When I stop, it stops, it’s like an unseen shadow,
The waning moon is thin above, the neighbourhood is dark,
I must keep moving, I’m not far from home now,
There it is again, heavy footsteps behind me,
Each foot falls in time with my own,
I breathe a fearful misty vapour in the cold night air,
I feel for my door keys, fumbling in my pocket as I walk,
If I turn my head even slightly, the footsteps stop,
How does it know what I’m thinking,
My front door stands before me, my key slides into the lock,
I look at my reflection in the door glass, I am covered in blood,
The shadow passes, I look at my blood-soaked hands and realise,
I am the monster.
I could see it in you at the beginning
It all began in a time of youth and wonder,
A path, aboard a vessel bypassing trauma,
Something to cling to, comfort for the broken,
Swept along by what was expected of me,
But I dedicated myself to our babies,
An unwavering decision that endures,
I could see it in you, even at the beginning,
When it was assumed that I had lost myself to your will,
Pressed into control, this was not love but abuse,
This was dependence, this was the unspoken truth,
I could see it in you, even at the beginning,
Everyone saw a finale, but nobody witnessed the opening acts,
I knew the road ahead would be fatal,
If not for you, then certainly for me,
You always sort the forbidden exit you found,
I could see it in you, even at the beginning,
I tried to keep the darkness away, but didn’t know how,
Unprepared for your spite, your final attempt at control,
You wrote of freedom, but knowingly took it away,
I could see it in you, even at the beginning.
The girl I knew was gone, long before you left.
That girl in the corner
See that girl in the corner,
With eyes alight with a fire for justice,
With raven hair, long and sweet scented,
Her pale skin is soft to the touch, yet armoured,
Her mind is a thousand moments competing for dominance,
She is battle hardened, and yet innocent,
Beautiful, she is kindness, yet wrathful to any foe,
My bride, my first waking thought, my peaceful time,
I love to hear her laughing, I smile when she sings,
And my mind rests easy, when I hear her say,
I love you.
Great Southern Land
Clear light on a summer morning,
A horizon, dizzy in a haze of impending heat,
Grasslands ripe to burn lay drying,
What was green is now yellowed and brittle,
Large black birds shriek for the sun they follow,
Thirsting creatures in dark holes lay dying,
Death does not come to these lands in winter,
But with the clear light of a southern summer day.
The Stand
I stand at the edge of a great precipice,
Eyes closed, I can feel a hot breeze on my face,
There is no sound, other than my own breathing,
The drop into darkness feels sheer and jagged,
The plummet, long and painful, and finally fatal,
I can feel the rock edge crumble under my weight,
I am waiting for the final slip,
The hands at my sides are sweaty and white knuckled,
Tense, I’m shaking within, the terror of waiting is intolerable,
The fall has yet to come, it could happen at any moment,
Vomit inducing anticipation, my body is racked with anxiety,
I can leave freely at any time and yet…
I stand here still.
Sometimes I lose myself
Sometimes, I can lose myself for days,
Time passes quickly, like a rapid heartbeat,
When I find myself again, something is always different,
Following some initial confusion, where I don’t know where I’ve been,
I’m unsure just how long I have been the other me,
Which me was I? Was I kind or cruel, happy, sad, or withdrawn,
Sometimes I can lose myself for days,
And now, I no longer know which me is real.
The Heir of Saturn
Swirling colours, vivid and blinding, pulsate, in a cellophane coloured a sky,
A great blue door is beset by godly hands, vibrating in the colourful scene,
The hands hold a staircase in place, locked in an alien landscape,
Above the door a mighty skull sits, adorned with a golden lock,
Within the keyhole spins a whirlpool of stars,
The sudden arrival of the inner self is a spectacle to behold,
The door swings open revealing the inner self, naked and skeletal,
It glows, beautiful and newborn, emitting a soft blue light from its glassy bones,
My mind is stalled at this point, lost within the colours, one for every hurt,
The spiralling sky becomes a bright portal, spinning, slow, warm and inviting,
The inner self leaves its essence, before fading into that spiralling light,
Shadows fill with starlight, as a swirling green nebula slowly erases the vision,
I awaken in sudden darkness, the stars have faded, and life is reality once more.
Confusion
My need to overcome reality is so strong lately,
I attempt to address profound childhood fears,
What happens when both creators are gone,
What do I become, how do I decide my path forward,
Nothing seems obvious, everything feels clouded,
What decisions do I need to make, what is important,
I feel lost, amiss, like I’m waiting for an unnamed event,
How can I take stock of things when it comes, my hurt, my pain,
And still administer the wishes of another,
There is no comfort here, only loss.
Head in the Clouds
You can’t exist with your head in the clouds,
For one reason, clouds fade,
They are invisible on a clear day,
Although prominent during a storm,
They quickly make way for blue skies,
You see, clouds are not consistent,
They lack any solid substance,
Constantly unstable and unreliable,
They are an illusion of escape and freedom,
Within themselves, they are empty.
Dan Verkys 