I could literally rip the skin and flesh from my face right now,
I am not in my own mind, I am not even in my own postcode,
My self-hate is so powerful, so invincible,
The effort to hold it back is beyond comprehension,
I hate myself with so much vigor and venom tonight,
No rhyme, no reason, just self-disgust and anger,
I make no sense, I am bad company, I am not to be around,
I scratch as the fan passes, I clench until its return,
I want to be the kind me, but I am unable to connect,
I am rocking, thinking, hating, trying to exist.
Tonight I AM the monster of rumour.
A Life in Thorns
A time comes when you know that you are barbed,
Self-protective and in need of personal shelter,
Right now, is one of those times,
I have virtual thorns on my skin and in my brain,
Time to stay away from my dear ones,
Time to stay away from NOT dear ones,
Time to be charged, and remain alone,
Recognizing and communicating mood with my closest,
That my nuclear level is at maximum,
It’s vital to all around,
Find the right music now,
Find the right mix to sooth now,
Find a way to dull the thorns now,
Find a way to ‘control’ now,
The poison has removed the pain of a life in thorns,
Until now, and until tomorrow.
Fade
Little by little,
Piece by Piece,
Day by day,
I fade away.
When the music played
After a bad day today, I sat reminiscing about simpler times, about my youth,
When music was king, and most of what I did revolved around it,
I’d slide a record from its sleeve, put it on the turntable and sit back,
Nothing felt rushed, dreams felt ripe and reachable, and the music played,
Occasional trips to a record store, when they were plentiful and local,
Gazing at album covers, putting up posters, and reading lyrics, while the music played,
Bands influenced the way I dressed, the way I thought, music was everywhere,
My pride and joy, a silver Akai sound system, it was everything, it made my music play,
It was my best trade ever, a carton of beer, for the soundtrack to my teen years,
It’s something that I’ve tried to recapture later in life, but the joy isn’t quite the same,
New bands don’t offer the same appeal as they once did, when did I become so cynical,
However, like a time machine, my turntable takes me back to when the music played,
To when the air of life itself felt charged with electricity, music, and endless possibilities.
The Countdown
I have an internal feeling, like a counting clock ticking away,
Creeping nearer, time is the predator, and I am its prey,
If there’s a good thing coming, it will be the first that I’ve seen,
Because misfortune and sorrow now live where I’ve been,
I feel out of control which I just cannot stand,
I feel my heart in my throat, and brain on remand,
Anxiety for my future remains powerfully crippling,
It toys with my brain poking, prodding and tickling,
Who is this hunter that stalks me these days,
As I grow greyer, fatter, sadder and more dismayed,
I once felt stronger, in command of my thoughts,
But anxiety has filled my mental account full of naughts,
A life full of death and mental illness, has my mind leaving me,
A watered-down version of the man I should be,
No self-esteem, and so much worry and woe,
That when I look in a mirror, I see a face I don’t know.
What happened to me, and where did I go,
That counting clock reminds me, we reap what we sow.
Forest Trophy
In a forest glade, several bodies lay,
Half buried by a killer,
He comes back each week,
To take a peek,
At the trophies he has made.
They lay there dead, in a mushroom bed,
Arranged in his secret place,
Where only killer and forest know,
About his trophy bones,
And the madness in his head.
Darkness of a Summer Storm
Thunder rolls through late-night air,
The power is cut, a home is left in darkness,
It simmers in the residual heat of the day,
A weary sleeper tosses and turns,
Lightning flashes through an open window,
Rain pours down, as the wind shakes the trees,
Tonight will not be restful,
Dogs bark madly, they echo in the distance,
As thunder cracks and churns above,
Sweat beads on the forehead, restlessness,
Sudden silence, as the rain and wind cease,
The lightning and thunder disperse instantly,
All dogs are hushed, but the heat remains,
Within the restless sleeper, the nightmares endure.
Tibetan Prayer Flags
Blue, white, red, green,
Tibetan prayer flags dance in the wind,
Yellow, blue, white, red,
They bring some colour and calm to my head,
Green, yellow, blue, white,
Deep breaths will help me sleep tonight.
Dependence and Frustration
I sit here disgruntled this morning, without internet,
Trying to get my work done without the connectivity benefit,
It’s not like I want to work, but this is making it hard,
If I can’t get my work delivered, my reputation is marred,
This week a few electronic items have failed to work,
Plans have been ruined, money lost, I look like a jerk,
I’m fed up, I’M FED UP, even screaming it does nothing,
Nobody listens, nothing works out, I’ve got to do something,
To break this feeling, to get some success, a glimmer of hope,
Because with each passing day, it gets harder to cope.
Albatross
Today I am an albatross soaring through the air,
Above an ocean of people flooded with despair,
Everyone seems lost and scrambling, searching for some meaning,
While I’m up here in the clouds, far from all their screaming,
There’s no need for air conditioning, with the ocean breeze upon my wings,
As I soar so high above reality, far from all the heated human things,
That made me want to kill myself and leave it all behind,
It is better to be an albatross, far away from humankind.
Dan Verkys 